


Not the same

by lake_otter



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-06 03:10:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16380296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lake_otter/pseuds/lake_otter
Summary: Ethan looks up at him."What?""Bullshit. You are lying. No, don't start. That was a lie. Spit it out - now"."Gray...""Why did you want me to meet James?"





	Not the same

After what happened with Alexis Ren's account, Grayson stops answering casual interview or collab questions on who his celebrity crush is. The flood of negative twelve year old's comments on all pictures of the undoubtedly sexy but completely stranger model beauty was enough to make a mental note for the future. Ethan, on the other hand, continues with his Nicki Minaj worship shtick, the brand not faltering a bit. Because Nicki can take whatever. 

At least that's one explanation for why Grayson avoids the topic.

**

"You gotta stop that", mutters Ethan. He's irritated and obviously on edge. Grayson looks him over. When it first happened, this irritation thing, he was not sure what it was about, which was surprising, because Grayson always reads his twin like a book that was never closed in the first place.

Now, though, he knows it all too well.

"E", he sighs. 

"I can't, I just - can't".

Grayson wishes he could be mad at Ethan right now. But he can't be truly mad at him. Roots of what Ethan is, to him, are grown too deep under his skin. He comprehends Ethan's emotion, this irritation, mixed with fear and anger, comprehends like his own, and this is why he can't be mad about it back. Because he feels it like his own. He deals with it like he would deal with his own.

But it's not his own, and that's the problem. He, himself, is actually calm at the moment. And kind of sad.

"Maybe that's how people go crazy", he thinks.

Apparently, Ethan can't take much of his silence - he never could.

"You were staring".

"At what?"

He doesn't know exactly, but they've been over talks like this at least a dozen times for the past couple months. So he can guess.

Was it someone's ass or something? On the street? In the mall? Did he leave something open on his phone? He's about to find out.

But no, this time, Ethan doesn't want to elaborate.

"Forget it. I'll go play".

Grayson sighs again. Ethan spends most of the day glued to his Fortnite world lately. If it's not an escape from reality route, than Trump is the best thing to ever happen to America.

"I'll go make dinner" , Grayson says, "Do you want anything?"

"Just order something".

He can't win these days.

**

They have always been physical. Very in touch with the way their bodies work. Spent half of their life wrestling, playing hockey, swimming, skiing, just running around until their lungs screamed for mercy. Started growing muscles around the age of twelve, when everybody else in their class were scrawny and small. Fooled girls over eighteen with their profile pictures on the social media and dating apps. Had no idea what to do with them, anyway.

So much energy was flowing through their veins, that they would have teared the house apart, so their Dad introduced them to sports very early on. But sports weren't even half of it.

They were fearless. Jumping from rocks and roofs no matter the height, diving into unknown bodies of water without checking the depth, rolling from hills, climbing trees, and occasionally breaking bones, which never turned out to be the end of the world, because their young bodies just regenerated and allowed for more, more, more. And they always had each other, a hand that would pull you up if you fell, and a foot to kick you in the ass if you hesitated before falling.

They were that - wolf puppies learning the forest, and then suddenly they were LA newcomers with social blades and business meetings. LA liked muscles alright, but only a refined kind, grown in air conditioned gyms, laced with cologne and Instagram filters, no natural sweat please, or, god forbid, dirt under nails.

So this turned to being wolf puppies trapped in a pretty pretty cage, and when breathing eventually became a serious problem, their genius sister had a genius idea, and they bought the warehouse. 

Cameron was a god's gift to them, honestly.

Grayson remembers dragging all those boards and metal bars across the huge empty space, sweating so much it looked like he took a dive in a pool with all his clothes on, and feeling this insane happiness, almost close to taming their four-wheelers in Jersey's fields. They filled the warehouse with everything they could think of, and everything Cameron could fit into her designing program for a given space. Zipline. Foam pit. Trampoline. Skate ramp. You name it.

And so the warehouse became an outlet for their energy, like the forests and the garage wrestling mats and the ice rinks were once. A perpetuum mobile one, too, because it generated energy right back in them, the more they spent time in there, burning calories the non-LA style. 

Same way they used to have fake fights in between takes - not to spend energy, but to gain it. 

Energy to breathe, to wake up, to work, to face the people in the business meetings they didn't want to face and discuss things they didn't want to discuss. Loads of help, it was.

But panacea, it wasn't.

They were always physical. Their bodies used to look almost identical, but in actuality weren't quite, and obviously they knew all the nooks and crannies of each other. Finding similarities and differences used to be a fun game, and perhaps an atrocity to people who blush and giggle at the mere thought of simply comparing genitals. Genitals were one of the least interesting things to compare. You do it once and then you're good for a year or so. The question of who will not gag the longest with their twin's fingers down their throat, on the other hand. That shit was trainable.

They knew not all twins were like that. Maybe it was specifically a family thing for them, everyone in their home loving each other so fiercely, they were all up in each other's space all the time when they lived together. But the twins also moved out easily, missing everyone - but not impossibly. And Cameron, despite her constant presence in their everyday childhood activities and genuine interest in them, has never been touchy-feely with any of her relatives. So, maybe not. 

It was probably a twin thing. Not only a physical one, too, it extended to everything, every little corner of their brains. The twins knew one another like no one else could probably know a human being. They were very much similar. But they were not the same.

**

"I think we should meet this make-up freak guy", said Ethan.

Grayson stops stirring pasta for a second. The light is streaming through the kitchen windows, and the day is wonderful, not too cold, not too hot, sky a perfect Californian blue. 

Grayson misses Jersey like it's his limb these days.

"You mean James Charles?"

"Cameron said we need new friends, since..."

"Yeah", drags Grayson out. Ethan has only been gone for, like, twenty minutes, so he couldn't have possibly been playing Fortnite, that shit consumes hours when his brother's concerned. So he's spent those twenty minutes in another room, alone, thinking, and apparently, he's been thinking of James Charles. 

Which is all kinds of absurd.

They both know "new friends" in this context had no relation to any kind of real life friends. What Cameron meant, is that they needed colleagues, which in their bizarre world translated to "people to film with, who will act like silly buddies". Viewers love collabs. Cameron does a good job as their part time manager. So collabs viewers will get.

Not with Nate, though, or with Charles, or, obviously, Jake. And not with...

"Gray?"

"Why James then? Hasn't he been leaving all kinds of dumb shit comments on our stuff?"

"Oh you noticed that, didn't you".

Grayson can finally feel the angry red warmth spreading from his neck to his ears. He can only take so much, it turns out.

"This is bullshit", he says. He drops the fork into the boiling water and makes his way to Ethan, who is sitting on one of the kitchen chairs. He grabs his collar roughly, but Ethan's eyes don't mock him for once. He look like he's about to apologize. Grayson lets him go.

"What do I know? Maybe all homos want to get to that painted mouth".

Changed his mind on the apologizing thing, then.

Their fight isn't pretty in any way. Grayson is heavier and taller, he's always been more methodical and, unlike Ethan, always concentrated well while exercising, so his first punch knocks his twin right onto the floor. But it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it would hurt a random person, because Ethan, who knows his punches like he knows his favorite tunes, regroups and takes it like a professional wrestler would, muscles tightly coiled and arms raised.

He fights without holding back. But Grayson is unstoppable now. He goes in like he means it, gets a good rug burn all across Ethan's chin, throws a dozen merciless hits to his ribs and drags him across the floor to the living room. That's when Ethan almost overpowers him after a particularly good punch to his midriff, knocking the air out of his lungs. He throws Grayson on his back, but Grayson clenches his teeth, uses his weight, turns them around, squeezes Ethan's thighs with his knees so he can't move, and almost, almost hits him across the face. But Ethan stops squirming all of a sudden. And that's when Grayson deflates, too.

For a moment, they stare at each other, panting.

"You take that back", says Grayson.

Ethan searches his face for one more second, then averts his eyes.

"Fine", he says.

The smoke alarm goes off.

 

**

 

They do meet James Charles. And Emma Chamberlain, despite Ethan's initial weirdness over that. But Cameron insists, for some reason, that it's a double deal if it is one at all. They get introduced by their agents, who know each other, which is extremely awkward, and since Cameron is back in college and deep in her thesis paper, she can't be there herself, so they're stuck with their other agent, George, who is new and not even entirely sure what is the purpose of all that is happening.

"You guys want to make some arrangements for videos? Write down some ideas?" James's agent, on the other hand, is very nice and active, it's obvious that she wants to get this thing going fast and be professional about it.

"I guess it will involve make-up", jokes Ethan. The joke is not funny in any way, but James laughs anyway. It's probably just politeness. James doesn't seem like a total freak outside of his videos and Instagram comments, he acts pretty friendly, although he is, in fact, fully covered in make-up in real life, too.

Emma acts kind of shy, projecting it in her own way, which is chattering non-stop about most random things and jumping from seat to seat. No one knows exactly what she is doing there, including herself. She is younger then they all are, and it shows. She's attractive, though, too, in her own jittery way, and Grayson caught a few of Ethan's quick glances in her direction already.

"I don't know what I'm doing here, either", thinks Grayson.

After they clear out some stuff about timing and sign a few papers, they decide to actually go for lunch together. They didn't exclude their agents from the invitation, but none of them wanted to come with. Grayson thinks that it might have to do with the eternal hope for actual client bonding that lives in the hearts of all Youtube-related management, but this sort of thing is rare nowadays.

But when they all end up having a normal conversation at a normal pizza place, he can't help but second guess his pessimism. Maybe James and Emma are both alright.

Emma dropped out of school, just like they did. But she wasn't hated there. Surprisingly, neither was James, who actually graduated and somehow seems to be more educated than all three of them.

Grayson takes a moment to just look at James. He saw plenty of gay people before, but never someone of his age, never this close and personal. James seems to be fine with himself. He's cautious in some topics, but overall quite straight forward, doesn't hesitate to make cock sucking jokes or bat his lashes obnoxiously. Sitting with two supposedly straight boys from Jersey, no less. He's kind of brutally honest, doesn't have a filter on his opinions, and it is kind of fascinating.

Ethan is being Ethan. He makes rude jokes, goes out of line a few times, but overall he's doing fine, it looks like he's bonding with these unexpected new people in their life like he would try to bond with classmates or teammates. Grayson yet again wonders if he knows what he's doing and why he's doing it.

They lost so many people over the past three years. They rarely talk about it with each other anymore, not to mention online. But in the beginning, making friends was never a hardship - staying friends is what was tricky in this industry.

They kind of been craving for some human interaction lately, though. It got tough being stuck with just each other for long periods of time, it started to seem like the world has ended and they were in a loop from a dream or something. They were always social animals, even at the worst of the times, in school, when everyone suddenly decided to destroy the mere idea of their right for a normal life. Even then, they tried to brush it off, tried talking to people until their very last friend started avoiding them the second he saw them.

They are much more cautious, now. Sometimes it leads to damage control overruling the actual risks, and they lose people for almost nothing.

But safety first, thinks Grayson, remembering the intense hurt of having to leave school cafeterias day after day right after getting their lunch, because kids would film them, yell at them, throw food in their backpacks and hair. Anything to make them feel lower than dirt. To make them want to disappear.

People turn from humans to monsters in a blink of an eye. In school, it was the inexplicable hatred - was it for their fame, their loudness, their goofiness, their sense of humor, their craziness, their sport records - Grayson still has no idea. In LA, it was a distinct interest to come "hang out and film", which would then turn into being completely different people afterwards and making fun of them for not drinking, or not drinking enough, not doing weed or e, or not having girlfriends, or being too Jersey, or - the worst of it all - just showing their true side, which wanted nothing from the twins except for the increase in social blade numbers.

So, safety first - but James and Emma don't seem threatening, not even a little bit. James looks like he's had enough fake friends and drama himself and is being careful. Emma is young, a bit naive despite all her attempts at sarcasm and doesn't seem like a person that would leach of others.

Grayson and Ethan are all grown up now, they can handle their own, anyway (and no one will ever hurt them in the industry ever again - stupid, but solid promise they made to each other recently).

And so the four have their lunch and the world doesn't end. 

 

**

"Don't you ever get tired of each other", was, perhaps, the next most common question they got in their life after the "are you guys twins" one. Ethan always jumps to answer immediately, and either goes with the "I hate his guts" vibe or with an earnest "no, I can't imagine being without him". Depending on the time of the month, Grayson might add, but he usually doesn't.

There indeed were times when Grayson got tired of Ethan. Ethan was loud, and obnoxious and dramatic. People claimed, that so was Grayson, but he guessed it depended on which side you're looking from. To him, it sometimes seemed like Ethan demanded the whole world to spin around him and tend to his wishes, and when he grew old enough to sense that might not be the best way to act, he still ached for that attention on the inside.

He also used to not give a shit about why Grayson sometimes wouldn't want to scream his head off inside stores or climb on tables in restaurants, because what was pushing him to do it - were it hormones, or genetic cheekiness, or just an inner power of youth growing through him like a tree grows through a concrete road - it didn't hesitate to wait for Grayson and see if he's actually truly on board with everything.

Also, he probably never had doubt that Grayson wanted to be right where he wanted him to be.

The first time Grayson tried hanging out with someone without Ethan, though, he felt weird, like he forgot his pants or something. The second - he started to like it. He had a couple of friends he shared his Math class with, while Ethan was in Arts. This was before hating them became a trending thing, so no social stigma stuck to their connections at that point.

They started going to the mall after classes, playing some stupid outdated Arcade games, and buying soda and fries on the small allowances they had, chilling and getting to know each other. Ethan sometimes came with, but sometimes he didn't, hanging out playing video games at someone else's house, and Grayson - Grayson felt a lot of things. 

They never had problems connecting with people, at least never thought they did, but being alone, with no twin presence right next to you... It seemed weird, hollow, but somehow, also liberating. Someone was talking to him as though he was his own person, not part of a double deal. They didn't try to compare him with his brother every other second. They finally weren't looking at him as a twin, but were interacting with him as this kid, Grayson, bleached stupid hair, scrawny knees, a weird desire to film every damn thing and all that.

But turns out, time didn't progress this. Over time, he stopped feeling liberated and started to just miss Ethan. Hollowness overpowered initial excitement. It's like he started to remember that everything was actually more fun with Ethan around. Thankfully, his twin felt the same way around the same time, and they stopped hanging out with friends without each other.

Later, Grayson would realize that this temporary break up was kind of necessary, it allowed him a new perspective, and made him actually treasure more what he had in the first place, but when he was thirteen, he didn't think or analyze anything like that, he just went with the gut feeling, like any thirteen year old boy does - and luckily, that gut turned out to be a shared one.

 

**

On the third time they meet, James finally breaks.

"You don't have to be actually rude to me, you know".

Grayson winces. Ethan was indeed over the line with his pretense disgust this time, and Grayson looks at him worriedly. Ethan looks back, as always, but his stare is kind of blank. He shrugs. For the millionth time, Grayson wonders what was up with Ethan's idea to start this thing with James in the first place.

"That concerns both of you".

Grayson's jaw almost drops.

"Are you kidding me?"

"Look", James rubs his temples, "I know it may be funny that I am the way I am".

Grayson averts his eyes, automatically brings his hand to the back of his head. He doesn't know how to answer that. Was he, like always, following Ethan's lead without even noticing it? Was he acting like a homophobic douche bag?

"But I am a person, and words can hurt, even when you think you're joking. I... I don't have to deal with this".

"Chill, James", Ethan finally jumps in, "No one loves a touchy sister".

"I'm not joking, Ethan", snaps James. He doesn't look friendly at this moment.

"Okay", says Ethan. He glances at Grayson, and Grayson still can't read him.

"Sorry, James", he says instead of trying to decipher his twin, "I'm sorry, really".

James gives him a calculating look.

"You don't have to make fun of every single thing I do or say".

Grayson tries to find the right words.

"We had a lot of friends on Youtube", he tries, "and it was always our best friend this and our best friend that. Many... many fake stuff. Even if we thought we meant some of them. Didn't work out with any of them in the end, anyways".

"What?" James is obviously confused.

"Gray", says Ethan in a warning tone.

"I mean. Did you see how we are with our sister? Our actual sister", he laughs nervously, "It's a family thing. If we insult you, means we like you".

James narrows his eyes. Good thing is, he isn't looking at Ethan, because Ethan is rolling his so hard they might just fall into his skull. But Grayson doesn't feel like this was unnecessary. 

"Okay", James says finally.

"Okay?"

"Fine", huffs out James, and then they're good.

 

**

Their family never tried to separate them. Teachers did. But home was a safe place in that regard.

The day his parents decided to have a second child was probably the day God was in a mood for some practical jokes. Having twins is never a piece of cake, but having two boys who had enough energy to lift an elephant and enough mischief to never get tired of silly little jokes and giggles - that would have literally killed their parents, made them die of exhaustion, if only they didn't spend so much of this energy on each other and were never bored, when together.

They had their garage, their sports, their endless Jersey fields, and forests, and rivers. So many rocks to climb, so many bugs to study, so many sodas to chug.

But somehow, it wasn't enough. Sports weren't enough, even hard training wasn't enough. They wanted to create. The constant flow of life within them didn't only make them want to run and explore the world, but to also capture it on camera and show to others. They tried acting, and it turned out to be one of the best things they could entertain each other with. 

What was it in California that whispered so much for them, they never fully understood. But it had obviously to do with a vague dream of a lifetime filled with art. 

When they actually got there, vagueness turned into real shapes of the kind of art LA was into at that time. And somehow, they ended up doing thing after thing which was funny, and obnoxious and bold, and more often than not ended up with ketchup in their hair and pepper burns in their throats.

What followed was endless collabs with boys around their age, just horsing around, making fools of themselves, shouting and laughing. And signing some contracts off camera. And barely stopping before it was too late with some of them (No, Jake, this is not for us, we don't want to plan things five years ahead, sorry).

But the filming continued.

It was what people wanted to watch. And for some time, it was fun.

**

" I talked to James the other day, and he said we could..."

"You sure hang out with him a lot lately", says Ethan. His tone is light, but Grayson knows something is off.

"Well", he starts defensively, "You were the one that insisted we make friends with him".

"That was for work, Gray".

"Didn't seem like that at the time". Grayson's honestly tired of that shit. He's had it up to his Adam's apple with his twin's irrational logic lately.

Ethan shrugs, looking at his half-eaten pear like some answers to eternal questions are engraved in it's crevices.

"I just don't see what's interesting with him".

"Well, first of all, he's weird, yes, but he, at least, keeps his mood swings in check around me", he just can't help himself.

"What are you saying?" Ethan's eyes narrow.

"I'm saying - don't be a jerk".

Ethan clicks his tongue and continues studying his pear.

"I thought..." he starts finally, but doesn't go anywhere from there. Grayson doesn't have enough patience for that:

"You thought what?" Ethan keeps quiet. "I've actually been dying to know why you wanted these collabs with him in the first place". He tries for a softer tone, hoping Ethan would loosen up, too. He's so tired of these fights. It's not even fighting in a normal sense of the word, it's like subtexting on twitter, only in real life, which makes it even worse. Passive aggressive was never their thing, but then again, nothing this year is.

"I wanted to see how it is with someone like him".

"Is that... the weirdest way possible of you trying to say you wanted to meet a gay person?"

"No! No. It's not that. I wanted you to see..." he hesitates.

"I've seen gay people".

"Not that close, though. Not actually talking, spending time, working together".

"So that's for my sake? What in the hell for?"

Ethan puts the pear down, finds a scab on his hand and starts investigating it instead.

"Maybe help, you know, ease you in, if you were feeling uncomfortable with yourself or something..."

"Bullshit", says Grayson firmly.

Ethan looks up at him.

"What?"

"Bullshit. You are lying. No, don't start. That was a lie. Spit it out - now".

"Gray..."

"Why did you want me to meet James?"

Ethan is silent for a moment. Then, he sighs, defeated.

"I wanted to show you what it's like".

"What on Earth..." and suddenly he gets it, and his blood runs cold. He knew Ethan could very well not be the nicest human on the planet sometimes. But this fucking takes the cake.

Ethan, however, doesn't notice anything and just continues:

"I wanted you to see that it's just a stupid fluke with you, that it's actually got nothing to do with the real you, you know? You're not like Ja... like that. I know you. I know you, bro, listen, he..."

Grayson stands up and Ethan finally looks at his face. It thankfully makes him shut up.

"You always made me one up you"

Ethan's eyebrows shot up.

"What are you even talking about, man?"

"You were..." he searches for the right words, but they just don't come to him as he wants them to. "You were always one step ahead, being louder, and quicker, and braver, and dove head first into everything, and then you always expected me to just follow, and if I didn't..."

"What the hell, Gray?"

"You were so disappointed!", he finally says it, says it out loud and immediately feels the hot shame spreading across his skin - but he can't stop now, "If I wasn't doing enough, you were so fucking disappointed in me! So fucking... just... And so, yes, this is why I had to, I had to be right there with you, and be louder, and quicker, and whatever it was you thought of, and go right there with you and not... fucking... disappoint!"

"Grayson..."

"And now..." he stutters, but continues, because there's no going back, "I'm doing my own thing, okay? Yes, I'm different. Yes, I don't like all the stuff you like. Yes, I sometimes don't want to shout and run and jump and break stuff, and fucking... compete, and it's fine, and also, you know what?"

"No", there's fear in Ethan's eyes now.

"Yes", he's full on hysterical now, "Yes, I am "like that". I am. I'm not full on homo as you kindly phrased it, remember. I can still fuck girls. For all I know I might fucking end up with one, or whatever. But I like cock, too. You hear me? You hear me, you fucker. I like men. M-E-N. And you can't stop that. You can't. It's not yours to stop. It's me, it's mine. You hear that?"

Ethan's brought to complete muteness. Grayson wants to continue, he aches to shout some more, he's riding on such a high wave right now it might just crash him into a wall if he stops. His hands are shaking. But there's nothing more to say, so he just digs his nails into his fists as hard as he can, wincing when he feels them breech the skin.

Ethan gets up slowly, his eyes are wild. It looks like he doesn't see anything with them, though. Blindly, he grabs the back of the couch, folds a bit in a funny way Grayson would have found entertaining some other time - his leg probably fell asleep. He says nothing. He backs out of the living room and then Grayson hears his door close. It's not even a slam. It's a just a click.

Grayson stares at the blood on his right palm and thinks that this actually might be the end.

 

**

Grayson lies in his bed. He tried looking through twitter, Instagram, iMessages - anything to keep his thoughts away from what happened, but he can't concentrate on anything, his anxiety feeding his dyslexia and making letters jumble within words.

He stares at the ceiling, instead. He thinks of the way they used to destroy the house when they were little. How their parents always kicked them outside. How Cameron tried to keep up with them and couldn't, so she started filming them to be involved. How they learned to love filming, too, and acting, and coming up with sketches, but how they also still wanted to destroy the house and were still kicked outside all the time.

He remembers how he broke his knee and even on his crutches, he could keep up with Ethan, where no one else couldn't.

He was always the bigger twin, lifting Ethan up, supporting his weight, waiting for him under trees too tall or pantries too high, grabbing his clammy hands from tops of the rocks. Having his back. Getting hurt more.

But then, in the hospital, he wanted Ethan before anyone else, and Ethan was always there, before anyone else.

He thinks how they would seamlessly make friends, easily start talking to people, always joking, making fools of themselves, making people laugh. How Ethan was too loud, and eager, and open, and Grayson wished he would just shut up sometimes. How people seemed to want to be friends with Grayson more, and how it hurt Ethan, although he said nothing, and how his pain reflected right back to hurt Grayson, too. How Ethan became more shy in school eventually, almost afraid to make first moves at times.

How Ethan was never mad at Grayson for all that, never jealous of him. How much they trusted each other to not even think in terms of jealousy.

He thinks about Meredith, the blonde sarcastic girl with tiny waist and huge ego, who went back and forth from dating Ethan, breaking his confidence, and patching it up again, and breaking again. How hurtful it was to look at Ethan trying to act cool with the casual "seeing each other" thing, and how endlessly more hurtful it was it to deal with the mess, when their own friend walked through the door of that "open relationship".

Meredith should have disappeared forever then, but she didn't, because sometimes, Ethan just couldn't let things go. She should have disappeared, not because she was that terrible, she was just an LA girl with LA dreams and way of thinking, but this kind of non-commital thing was never an option for a person who ached to grow close with his significant others, because he was one of those people who knew exactly how close two people can be.

But maybe that was the problem, no one could compare with what he and his twin had, anyway.

Grayson thinks of the fragility of it all, too. The twin thing always was a constant, but in this world, anything could change within seconds, opinions morphing into new opinions, morals doing a one-eighty, friendships turning into blocked numbers. They were always together on every side of every wall they built, agreeing or disagreeing, but ending up together anyway. Even if it sometimes hurt like fuck not communicating with people they decided to shut out. And it did hurt, no matter how right the reasons seemed. Cheating, using them for views, talking behind their back, you name it.

It all always seemed so far away from something that could actually damage what was between them, though, that the mere idea of that happening has Grayson short for breath. Is there actually something that he could say or do, that would break their bond? That they will shut off - not other people, but each other? It seemed ridiculous, impossible, unnatural. It almost made him heave. 

But was there?

He squeezes his eyes shut for a second, feeling tears start prickling behind the lids. He almost never cries, it's more of an Ethan thing, if so at all, but the situation is off limits, and he's not surprised. Groggily, he grabs his phone again, just to try to escape from reality again, jumbled words be damned. And that's when he sees Ethan standing in his doorway.

 

**

"I was never disappointed in you, Gray".

Ethan stands there like a ghost. Grayson looks at his phone, throws it on the floor and lies back, staring at the ceiling again. It's three AM.

He doesn't know what to say.

"Can I come in?"

It's ridiculous he has to ask that. It just shows, yet again, how much they fucked up, and suddenly Grayson really can't breathe, and the next thing he knows, Ethan's spraying his inhaler into his open mouth, his face looking white in the darkness. His knee is on the bed, but the rest of him isn't.

Grayson wants to pull him in, but he can't. Not after what was said.

Ethan puts the inhaler back on the bedside table and rests his hand on Grayson's shoulder. 

"Are you very mad?" he asks.

Grayson aches for him. 

"No", he manages.

Ethan climbs under the blanket, enveloping him in the familiar smell. They're too damn big for this blanket, for this bed maybe even, they keep growing and growing, but it doesn't matter now.

He hugs Grayson without hesitance, digs his chin in his clavicule. Grayson closes his eyes. He's glad it's dark.

"I'm sorry", Ethan mumbles.

"It's okay, E", he doesn't recognize his own voice.

"It's kind of not, though", Ethan says after a pause.

Grayson tenses.

"Not with you wanting to... fuck guys", Ethan adds quickly. "I have no problem with people being gay. I'm not even homophobic, you know? Like deep down. I asked this myself, I really did, I was trying to be so fucking honest, I..."

"You're rambling".

"Yes", he lets out a shuddering sigh. "I'm just. Not homophobic".

"I know". Jokes were jokes, but they never understood the revulsion surrounding the topic. No one from their family did.

Ethan makes a sound into his neck.

"I'm not sure what happened to me", he mumbles.

"I'm not sure what happened to me, either".

"You just want to..." Ethan is very close to actually saying it, and Grayson groans.

"If you dare say "sister suck", I will kick you right in the balls".

Ethan laughs like he hasn't laughed in weeks. Months, maybe.

When he's done with it, though, he changes his tone to a serious one.

"You've never disappointed me, Gray".

"Oh my God..."

"No." Ethan gets up on his elbows, hovers above him, looks him straight in the eye. "I don't know how much of what you said to me downstairs was actually true, but I just want to address it now, okay".

"Address. Oh my..."

"Shut up. You never disappointed me, okay? I don't know how much of a dick I was to you sometimes, but I do know I can push too far. And I fucking know you sometimes wanted to stay home and just chill, or watch TV, or fucking, I don't know, cook or draw or whatever, or hang with other people, but I couldn't bear without you, bro. I couldn't let you stay behind, because none of the adventures were fun without you, you know?"

"I know". He does know. Rational voice is strong in his head, so is the constant feeling of a mutual love which was with him all his life.

"Fuck, even when we were like one year old, every night, I escaped from my bed, and remember what I did first thing?"

Grayson can't help but smile. Ethan is so warm, he's right next to him, skin to skin, and this memory feels like it's an old film someone put on a projector just for them two.

"You helped me out, 'cause I couldn't do it myself".

Ethan nods. 

"And there's no way you don't know I look up to you".

This, Grayson can't handle.

"Ethan!", it's not even a shout, more like a desperate croak.

"You're smart. You're fucking methodical. You learn and memorize shit way better than I do. You notice stuff. You're better with people, with explaining things, with making friends. You're better with exercising, for God's sake. You know what to wear and how to put other stuff together so they look cool, and you know you're even fucking better at editing than I am".

"I can't even read properly, E", he groans.

"I can, and it doesn't help me for shit. I get bored after two minutes and leave to fuck around with something else".

"I can't remember stuff for shit. My memory is like a pasta strainer".

"That doesn't matter, you remember what's important. I remember enough for both of us."

"Did you", his voice falters and he tries again, "think of all this cheesy stuff while steaming in your own juices locked in your room?"

"Yes, actually. I did. And it wasn't locked. I thought you might come in. But you didn't. And I know why, but I still wish you did. I was an asshole". Ethan's arms get tired and he lies right on top of him. Grayson pushes him to the side a bit:

"You're crushing me".

"Good".

And Grayson kind of thinks so, too.

**

"What do you actually think of James?"

Ethan scrunches his nose.

"I don't know. He's alright, I guess. We don't have much in common".

"Besides Youtube. And drama".

"Yeah... he's an alright person. Fucking high-maintenance, but whatever".

"We talked some, you know".

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I think maybe he's not the person to talk to with about personal stuff, though. He's got it all set right in his head, I guess, but he has, like, almost zero experience".

"Gray?"

"What?"

"What do - you - think about James?"

Grayson giggles. With intent.

"Oh I think he's just lovely".

"Shut up".

"I think nothing. Okay? He's pretty. For a guy. But I... Shit, E".

"Want someone more muscular? A real man?" Ethan nudges him, bulging his bicep into his face, but Grayson easily pushes him off.

"Shut up! I am not discussing that stuff with you".

"Why? We discuss everything".

Grayson pauses. It just doesn't feel right.

"Not everything".

"Okay", says Ethan quieter.

"And anyway", continues Grayson, "it's not like James is dying to hang out with me".

"Are you kidding me? He's salivating over both of us".

Grayson coughs.

"E, sometimes I wonder if you're delusional or something".

"What? He is!"

"Well, imagine being next to, I don't know, Ariana Grande. No, shit, that's not what I meant, I...", but it's too late. Ethan's laughing his head off.

"Did you just legit compare yourself to Ariana Grande?"

"No! I compared you to Ariana Grande, you ass clown! I didn't compare anyone to Ariana Grande! I meant to say, he liked our pictures and stuff, but he can barely be in the same room with us".

"What? Why?"

"Apparently", it feels ridiculous to say this, "We're too loud".

"What?" Ethan starts laughing again.

"We're too loud! We yell, and fight, and whatever, push him, mess up his brushes or something".

"I thought - I did that. I thought you were kinda on his side! Defending him and shit."

"I thought so, too. Apparently, we are both awful human beings when it comes to... brushes".

Grayson can't help himself, he starts laughing too, because Ethan's laugh is always contagious to him.

"I'm imagining James backed into a corner hugging and protecting all his stuff now", wheezes Ethan. 

"Oh my Gosh", Grayson can't breathe again, and has to use his inhaler.

"I'm like an old person now, with this thing", he complains.

"That's just the effect my presence has on you. I'm that funny".

"Shut up".

"Do you want to go surfing tomorrow?" asks Ethan. 

Grayson tries to remember the last time they went, but his pasta strainer strikes again.

"What about the fangirls?"

"We'll go to the hidden beach with that shrimp place behind Malibu".

"It's like a three hour drive, bro".

"You have something better to do?"

Grayson smiles.

"No. I don't".

**

When James calls, it's kind of unexpected. Who calls these days?

" 'Ello?", he rasps, not realizing he hasn't used his voice today yet. It's before noon. Ethan's asleep, of course.

"Hey babe".

Grayson smiles a bit. It doesn't weird him out anymore.

"What do you need?" he answers grumbingly, maintaining the persona they're both used to. James acts flamboyant, Grayson acts like a grouch. That's how they roll, it's become normal.

Come to think of it, James always acts flamboyant, so he kind of turned everything his way, after all. No one can overrule James.

"I need advice about some guy stuff".

Grayson's eyebrows shoot up. They're facetiming, so he sets his phone on the counter and proceeds to flip the bacon he's cooking. Now, though, he can't help but lean over and stare back at James, who is not wearing make-up for once, and actually looks quite nice.

Not that Grayson cares, of course.

"How am I to help with this kind of thing?"

"Well", James hesitates, "you're a guy".

"Don't you have like... Shane Dawson to talk to?"

"Shane Dawson is fucking thirty".

"He lives with his boyfriend, though".

"So do you".

"Shut up", Grayson goes back to his bacon. He's not repeating the pasta incident again. That smoke detector is way too high up on the ceiling. Plus, burning bacon is blasphemy.

"You're kind of straight", continues James. Grayson doesn't respond, so James pushes a bit, "Oh, come on, Gray".

"We've been over this", he says, irritably. 

"You think about guys, but you've never even touched a dick besides your own. And Ethan's, maybe".

"Ew!"

"So I think I'm kinda dealing with a similar situation here, on Grindr".

"James, everyone on Grindr is, like, super gay".

"You'd be surprised".

"What are they then? Closeted?"

"No", James sighs, "I mean, yes, could be, but that's not exactly it. Thing is, I've been talking to this one hottie, and he's into it, obviously, but he keeps throwing me off with talking about things like sports and clubs and even politics some time, which I obviously have no interest in, and..."

"Slow down, dude! I can barely make out words at this point".

"Right. So, he's like texting me and stuff, but I'm not sure he even wants to meet up, and to be honest, he kind of reminds me of you, because he spends like half his life in the gym, and..."

"Are you worried he's not into dick or something?"

"I've been with so-called straight guys before. I don't care if they're not into dick, as long as they allow me access to theirs".

"Ew. And that's kind of fucked up, dude".

James coughs uncomfortably. 

"Let's not get into that right now, okay? I've already told you I don't like it when someone touches my..."

"Dude, shut up, shut up!"

"So, basically", continues James, ignoring him, "It's not about dicks exactly. I just don't know if he's actually gay or just entertaining some weak fantasy of his that doesn't actually translate to the real world".

"I still think liking dick and being gay is kind of interlocked".

This, of course, is the moment Ethan walks in. Grayson looks at him without a single thing to say on his mind, but his twin takes one look at them and backpedals out of the kitchen.

"Shit".

"I'm sorry".

"No, it's..." he sighs. "We talked it over".

"My personal life? Your own interest toward dicks?"

"Shut up".

"I should start a drinking game for how much you say that to me".

"You don't drink".

"True. That's off point, anyway. Can we continue, please?"

Grayson groans:

"I still don't know why you're talking to me about this".

"Are you on Grindr?" asks James suddenly.

"What? No!" he's kind of outraged.

"Why?"

"Because... because why would I need to be?"

The question is stupid, Grayson knows it, but James lets it slide.

"Imagine you made a profile. And started talking to someone. What would you talk about? Who would you talk to?"

"No one! I can't imagine that, because it's bullshit".

"Gray, come on, humor me".

He switches off the stove, because he just can't concentrate on cooking anymore. 

"Whatever. Fine. I'd find someone who's interesting".

"Not attractive? I don't believe you, Gray".

"Fine!" he snaps. "I'd probably find someone good looking first. But then, I'll see if he's worth talking to".

"Okay", says James slowly. Slow sounds weird, coming from him.

"What did you expect? That I'd ask for dick picks and start calling him Daddy right from the start?"

"Wow. Love that for you".

"Shut up!"

"I mean", says James, staring at his nails, "It kinda does make sense".

"What? That someone wants to have a decent conversation once in a while? Shocking, yeah".

"But he talks about baseball. Baseball, for God's sake! And some politicians I don't even know. And..."

"Has it ever occurred to you", Ethan leans over Grayson's shoulder, making hum jump and drop a knife he didn't know he was holding, "That some people actually have interests that you don't share and maybe it's okay to listen to them and not be an egoistical bitch all the time?"

"No", says James, but he's smiling. "Okay. Okay".

"Now stop bothering my cook and go buy some Angels booty shorts"

"Do they actually sell these?" starts James, but Ethan is already clicking him off. 

"Bye, sister", he presses the red button and James's face is gone. "Now, about that bacon".

"You can't just end my phone calls", whines Grayson.

"I can if I'm hungry. Now get back to that fryin', darlin' ".

"I wish you never started eating my cooking".

"Get back to the stove, woman".

"Gross".

"Bring me ma bacon, bitch".

Ethan ends up wearing half the bacon on his head, so Grayson's morning is not as unproductive as it started out to be.

**

Later, when they're all done with breakfast and a bit of swimming (it's fucking hot), they decide to lay outside for some tanning.

"I can't even look at my thighs, they're so pasty".

"Well, don't look at them, then", Grayson's fumbling with his phone. 

He goes to the App store and pauses. 

"Who are you messaging?"

"No one! Don't start that shit again".

About a year ago, when Grayson was still kind of on and off dating a few girls Jake introduced them to, Ethan just couldn't let him live. The frozen phone prank didn't come out of nowhere. Grayson, personally, didn't think it was fair, since he himself never bothered Ethan about his girl stuff, even with Meredith, even when Ethan was on his worst self-destructing behavior. He'd share his opinion, sure, but he'd never interfere when he felt it could be unwelcome. Ethan, on the other hand, actually demanded he switched off his phone sometimes just to hang with him.

"I'm just curious. I want to know everything there is to know about my favorite brother".

"I'm your only brother".

"Exactly".

Grayson sighs. This is definitely better then silent treatment, or, even worse, the passive aggressive one, but he's not sure he can take much more of this. Over the past week, after their talk, Ethan's been attached to his hip like they were actually conjoined. The only Ethan-free time he got was in the mornings, because Ethan just didn't exist before noon.

"Okay", he says, "I'm trying to decide whether to install Grindr or not".

This works, because Ethan actually shuts up. His face is unreadable behind his sunglasses.

"Fuck it", thinks Grayson and installs the app.

The questions he gets asked are minimal. He quickly gets to the profile pic page and hesitates.

"What if someone sees you there?"

"They'll think it's a catfish thing".

He's already thought about it. There probably already were catfish profiles with their pictures, actually.

"But what if you go out and it turns out it's one of our fans".

"I'm not going out anywhere", says Grayson irritably, "I just want to play around with the app a bit. Leave me alone".

"Fine".

No more than two minutes pass.

"Grayson".

"What?"

"What if it's some older creep? What if it's a psycho? A pedophile?"

"I'm over eighteen, dumbass".

"What if it's someone underage and then, and then - you'll get in trouble".

"Dude!" he shuts off his screen, gets a hand over his forehead. It's about to start hurting. "What if a meteor came crashing on your head right now? Now that would've been awesome!"

Ethan shuts up again, but the look he's giving Grayson reminds him of a kicked dog. Too bad Ethan can't be allergic to himself like Grayson is to dogs, that would take his mind away from being all up in Grayson's business.

"How about you take a picture of me?" he asks mindlessly.

"No way", says Ethan immediately. Grayson is surprised, that usually never happens. They take Instagram pictures of each other all the time. Ethan is a baby about his, demanding to retake them like a thousand times, but he never refuses to help in return.

"What? Why?"

"I am not taking fuckboy pictures of you to post on Grindr", says Ethan firmly, "ask James or something".

"Dude!"

Grayson stands up. 

"Are you sure you're not homophobic?" he asks. The joke holds no humor in it.

Ethan also stands up. He's in his bright yellow board shorts and doesn't look intimidating one bit, but his eyes are narrowed and Grayson waits for the blow.

"I'm sure I don't want to whore you out to some potential old freaks", he hisses.

"Oh my God".

Grayson goes back to the house. He's thirsty, so he gets a coke from the fridge, but doesn't know where to go from here. He truly thought they were over this. Idiot.

Ethan doesn't stay outside for too long and follows him into the house. Grayson doesn't even want to look at him right now.

"I'll go for a drive", he decides.

"Wait", says Ethan.

But Grayson's had enough for now.

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna whore myself out on the curb. I'll be back. But don't wait up. Do whatever you want to do, you probably should have a life of your own by now".

He makes sure to slam the door on his way out.

**

Grayson doesn't know how long the drive takes. He's not really aware of where he's driving, either. But somehow he ends up in the favorite spot. Right next to it is a small hidden parking lot where no one ever parks, so the bushes, lizards and birds almost overtook the place. He parks his car, gets his phone and heads up the hill.

The ocean is calm, the ships are few. Seagulls leave when he approaches the wooden picnic table with many carved words into it. It's perched right at the hilltop, and it's too hot here during the day, but it can become a perfect hiding spot in the evening.

Grayson's stomach churns, but he's got no appetite. He hasn't eaten since breakfast, but food is far from his thoughts now.

He doesn't want to read or look at anything online, either, so he doesn't. He just sits there, right on the table, stares at the ocean, and thinks about how it seems like some things just can't be fixed.

Like Ethan's weakness for Meredith, no matter what she does and for how long she disappears and who she sleeps with in the meantime. Like James's inability to stay away from saying things online when he's emotional, no matter how much backlash he gets every time. 

Like Dad's cancer.

But they don't talk about - that, don't even think about that, and Dad's doing fine right now, he's fine, he's fine, he's - better, and Grayson cannot - will not cry over this right now, although his fingers automatically grasp his phone in an instinctive urge to call Mom, so she will make these thoughts go away.

But Mom has had enough on her plate lately. And Dad says they need to deal with their own things, for now.

And he's been trying - he's been trying to do what Dad wanted them to do, because Dad stopped being afraid to sound cheesy and just told them these things. He wanted them to do what they like, figure out who they are, stay true to themselves, don't look at others, don't look back. Evolve. Grow up. Be happy.

"But it's so difficult", thinks Grayson, shutting his eyes tight, hugging himself, "It's so hard. I don't know anything anymore, Dad. I can't figure out shit if E starts hating me".

His phone beeps and he fishes it out from his pocket.

It's James. He wants to meet up. Grayson types out that he can't right now. Then he catches himself thinking about it - James is usually extremely busy, so the fact that he just wants to see him out of the blue bugs him.

So he changes his mind. It's late and he's starting to feel real hungry, too.

**

They meet up at a not too shabby restaurant, because meeting at a Starbucks or any other common space is dangerous - in LA, it's just too easy to get caught by wandering fans. Their fans are usually underage, though, so the risks of meeting them in expensive places are less. But Grayson himself feels out of place here. They got table clothes, for fuck's sake.

James, on the other hand, has gotten quite comfortable in their booth. He orders some fancy drink, admires the designs on the walls, talks to the waitress about some recent celebrity disaster which happened a few blocks away. Grayson doesn't concentrate on that, he asks for a burger and gets straight to the point as soon as the girl leaves.

"Why did you call me here?"

James glances at him through his ridiculous eyelashes.

" 'Cause I wanted to speak to you alone"

"Why not just speak at home?"

"Because at your home you are never alone, sweety".

He can't argue with that.

"So", he asks instead, "what is it?"

"You look terrible, by the way".

"Thanks".

"I think I got a boyfriend", says James.

"Congrats", grumbles Grayson without thinking. Then he actually looks at James. "That guy with sports and politics?"

"Yeah, no, that didn't work out. But I met someone else."

"Listen, James, that's great and all, but why the hell did you need to tell me this in private?"

James studies him for a bit.

"I don't know, Gray. You're one tough cookie. And still a mystery to me, to be honest."

Grayson can't deal with this bullshit. All his thoughts right now are about Ethan, he can't spare any brain energy on anything else. He's hurting. And he's not sure it's ever going to not hurt. 

But James is a distraction, at least.

"I might have sex with him", continues James.

"What? Ew! James!"

The waitress brings their drinks, and Grayson hopes to God she doesn't eavesdrop.

"Any tips?" asks James casually.

Grayson gapes at him like he has grown a second head right out of his own not too small one.

"What can I possibly know about gay sex?"

"I don't know, Gray", says James again, "You seemed awfully interested in the topic just a few months ago".

"Not interested in your sex life, though".

"Gray", James suddenly loses his offhandish persona and his face becomes serious, "don't be a dick".

Grayson rolls his eyes. He wonders if he's dreaming or something. If someone would have told him a year ago he'll be sitting across the table with James Charles (and without Ethan) and discussing the possibility of said James Charles to move on from his one-sided oral-only shtick he's been prone to, he would call a doctor for that person.

But James is looking at him expectantly, like he would at a friend. And Grayson is a sucker for this friend thing, no matter how many times he gets burned.

"Sex is sex, James. You've had dicks in your mouth before. It's not that different".

"What's wrong with you?" asks James and Grayson looks up sharply, but he continues, "I mean, seriously. You look like shit. You're on edge. You don't blush when you talk about dicks in mouths. What's up?"

"You seriously wanted some advice from me here?" avoided question is one point for Grayson.

"Well, yes, but... I'm not sure anymore".

They sit in silence, and when their food arrives, neither of them touches it.

"Do you know that Ethan wrote to me first?" the question is unexpected. Grayson thinks about it for a second:

"No. What? Our manager wrote to yours".

"No, honey. Ethan dm'ed me. Right after he was having one of his breakdowns on twitter and I offered help".

"I don't remember that".

"You never remember anything, Gray. That's not the point".

Grayson shrugs. It's weird that Ethan never told him this.

"I think I got it", says James slowly. "All this time, you thought you're having a gay crisis. But you're not. You're not afraid to be gay. You're only afraid of what Ethan would think".

"Why did this suddenly turned into doctor Phil?"

"Do you think being gay is bad?"

"I'm not gay".

"No?"

"I... I don't know. I don't know, ok? I've never tried it. How could I know!"

He thinks of himself shouting at Ethan that time they fought. Of his own words, stating all kinds of love for male anatomy. He was so sure of it then. But that was then.

"Do you think being gay is bad?" asks James again.

"No", James huffs, and he adds quickly, "Seriously, no. I just don't know if it has any relation to me".

"Does your search history know, though?"

James is smiling. Grayson can't help but give a half smile of his own back.

"I guess... my search history does... know a few things, yeah".

James smiles wider:

"Proud of you, sis".

They finally eat their food. Grayson's stomach might just send him a thank you card, it's been so long.

"We're young, Gray", says James, after their plates are cleared and takes away, "We're, like, super young".

"I'm sorry I can't help you", says Grayson, "I'm just not sure what to say".

"Finally, you're blushing. Starting to feel like yourself again?"

"Shut up".

"I wanted to know..." James pauses, "How can you trust somebody that much".

"I was honestly drunk my first time", says Grayson, "And so was she".

"I'm not drinking. So it's not gonna be this stupid meaningless thing for me".

"Okay".

"And I never felt like I could trust another human being this much. I'm still not sure".

"It's just sex, James", Grayson feels a bit stupid, like they're speaking different languages. "You get all excited, maybe a bit nervous, then you do it, then it's over, and you just go back to normal".

"Back to normal", says James slowly. "As in, go home?"

Grayson shrugs again.

"Yeah. It's not like you'll get married right after, you know?"

James sips his drink, studying his face.

"I think maybe I asked the wrong person after all", he mumbles.

"I told you I know nothing about gay sex".

"It's not that", James fumbles with his straw awkwardly. "It's that you - you do have a person to trust that much, and you always had, it's just not the one you sleep with".

Grayson winces. That's not what he meant at all. But before he can say anything, his phone rings and he picks it up automatically.

"Come home", says Ethan.

"No", he doesn't have a plan, but he can't face all that again right now.

"Fine. Meet me at the hill table then".

"I've just been there, for like two hours".

"Well, where are you now?" Ethan doesn't sound irritated, but he's close, Grayson can tell.

"With James".

There's a pause.

"I need to see you".

"You'll just have to deal, E", he says quietly. James is scrolling through his phone, but there's no way he isn't listening.

"Gray. Please. Please, okay?"

He sighs. Ethan rarely sounds like that. And when he does, no one can say no to him. Not Grayson, at least.

"It's gonna get dark soon".

"I don't care".

"Alright. I'll be there in thirty".

He hangs up and looks at James.

"I hope you guys figure it out", says James softly.

Discussing any of this with James, or anyone, really, feels wrong. So Grayson just nods.

They pay for their food, leave the place and James calls for an Uber. Grayson gets in his car and tries not to think about anything.

**

Ethan is already there when he parks, his freshly washed bike glistening in the parking lot. Looks like he's made himself busy while Grayson was driving around.

"Hey", he says, climbing up the hill. Ethan hops off the table and stands next to to it awkwardly.

"Hey".

Grayson puts his hands in his pockets, rocks on his feet.

"Are you okay?" asks Ethan. It's weird. He never asks this.

"I just realized I didn't listen to any music this whole day".

"Why?"

"Dunno. Didn't want to hear any words, I guess. Had enough in my own head".

Ethan nods.

"Remember we used to Uber with the guys and get the music in the car so loud the driver would get crazy and we would just scream Rihanna or Drake like losers?"

"Unfortunately we also filmed some of it".

"Yeah", says Ethan. He gets back on the table, gestures for Grayson to join him, so he does. They sit like that for a moment, shoulder to shoulder, looking at the ocean, and it's comfortable.

But comfortable doesn't cut it, nowadays.

"You're gonna have to say something, E".

"I know", answers Ethan worriedly. He starts biting his nail, and Grayson pulls his hand away from his mouth. "I'm just scared".

Grayson closes his eyes.

"There's nothing to be scared of. It's just me."

"It's also kinda cheesy".

"You always say I'm cheesy, so I can take it".

Ethan takes a deep breath.

"I just sometimes feel. Like I'm not a good enough brother".

"E, you're fine", he starts, but Ethan doesn't let him finish.

"I'm older, so I'm supposed to look after you. And in this, I can't, I'm feeling so fucking... helpless, you know? I can't control anything. I can't look out for you".

"You don't have to look out for me, E. I'm just trying to figure stuff for myself. It's not your responsibility". 

"I know! You think I don't know that? I know we're twins, I'm not your Mom or something. But there's rational and there's irrational. It's not like I want to feel helpless or justify it. I just do".

"Fuck, E".

Grayson nudges against him, puts his head on his twin's shoulder for a quick second. The table is hard and sturdy, and sitting on it doesn't really feel nice anymore, but he doesn't care.

"I thought you were disgusted with me", he says quietly.

"No", Ethan sounds horrified.

"Yeah".

"That just... that just proves, again, the fact that I'm not doing my job very well".

"There's no job, Ethan..." but Ethan's not listening. He turns to Grayson, quick and sure, grabs his face with both hands and kisses him on the lips. It's a momentary thing, not even that out of line with what they normally do within pranks and stuff, but Grayson is completely stunned.

"I can never be disgusted with you", Ethan says, looking him straight in the eye, "Don't you ever doubt that".

Grayson nods, wordlessly. They sit like that for a few more minutes, and then Ethan gets up and helps him up, too. 

"Let's go home", he says.

 

**

They're on their way back, Ethan's bike hauled up into the back of Grayson's car, the sun is setting, and the sky is filled with long clouds, all kinds of pink and orange and deep red, and it's fucking beautiful.

"To be honest", says Grayson quietly, "I don't think either of us can fully take care of themselves, not to mention each other. We're both a mess".

"That's... true", agrees Ethan. He's looking at the road and the sunny spots are dancing on his face.

"I fucking miss Jersey. And Cameron. And grandma. And Mom and Dad".

"Me too".

"I don't know what I am, bro", he adds hesitantly.

"Me neither".

"But... we've got no choice, right? We'll get through. We've go this".

"I've got you".

"It goes both ways", thinks Grayson, and it's not even necessary to say it back. Ethan knows.

They drive for a few more minutes in silence, watching how the dried out hills get painted with gold as the sun sinks lower and lower.

"Look, there's a hawk flying with a whole gopher!" yells Ethan suddenly.

Grayson grabs his chest.

"Dude, you almost gave me a heart attack".

But he's already trying to locate the hawk, because what his twin finds interesting is always the highlight of the moment for him, too.

They're very similar, after all. They're just not the same.

But it's alright.

_Fin._


End file.
